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end of october. it's not like it has never came before, but this time it feels different. the year just reached this stage really quickly, sometimes it feels like a roller coaster. so fast yet so dangerous. the thrill just makes you wanna just carry on forever, but who knows when you're going to feel ill and puke all over. at this stage in life, i realised there's nothing i guess i'm afraid of anymore. going through so much in the past few years, more so the past year, perhaps the only thing that i'm afraid of is getting weary of everything. life's been luxurious for me, i'm starting to take things for granted. i used to have friends whom i count on so much, whom i thought they were so important, and they bring so much laughter and joy into my life. but one day, i realised i don't understand them as much as i thought i do. i think i'm becoming a loner. that is the feeling i dread. when others see me, perhaps they think i'm always happy, always making people laugh, always so funny. but sometimes i think back, i don't even understand whatever that i was doing. i don't know why sometimes i was acting in such a way, sometimes i go silent and pretend no one is around. i really don't know. i don't know when to exactly be the one i should be. okay, i'm a sad person. i'm always picking on small things to pick a fight. i'm always demanding for more things. i'm always taking things for granted. i always think i give more than take. so, i am wrong. Signed, 8:58 p.m.
it's so happening. school has already but it is not officially for me yet. it's not like there'll be school and lessons going on, but the wait for the whole project work journey is long and tedious and makes people fret. nothing much left for our group to work on pw, so there's lots of slacking to be done. life's more than peaceful now, i'm grateful for that. well, i wish that things would stay as it is and probably also wish that i'll be able to find my aim and not get so lost this often. days without school is boring. but i'm gonna start declaring war with studies, and start overcoming this torturous journey towards As. well, say i am dumb. i'm going to start studying for block test 1! don't really have the intention to get kick out of sajc. being advanced is something so risky, like i am gonna get kicked out if block test 1 is to be a flunk. i'm going to start exploring the things i can do during this hols :) Signed, 3:46 p.m.
i had so much plans, so much to accomplish, and i thought i could have everyone's cooperation. but no! till today, i've only heard of one person who actually did what i messaged out. i'm hurt. why don't people take my words seriously and just do according to instructions? am i being bossy to be organising something? so be it. i mean, if no one has the intentions in doing their part for the scrapbook, then i would really like to know. i won't force you to do, but i'm sure i'll be able to create something, by myself. and instead of giving me the support i need, i get negative comments on the things i'm planning. i have my feelings for this school, if nobody else has, then i hope everyone just ignores me. it was a turmoil all together. i don't remember when was the last time i shed tears for non band stuff this year, but i'll always remember that night when everyone else knows i was being a fool yet i was only told the truth after the night ended for me. i was so lost, i couldn't stop tearing. when everyone else was angry, i felt sad and depressed. i don't want to start ranting all over again. shut up. Signed, 9:54 p.m.
i repeated my story, about more than twenty times. not that i'm getting tired of saying it all over again, but i'm more appalled by everyone's concern for me. at least someone notices that there's some red clot in my eye. life is just so surprising for me. one moment i can be so happy, and another moment i can be pissed off about little things. i badly need to let go of my temper. in a senario where everyone's happily talking away, i could be in my own dream land, thinking about some unhappy issues. i wonder why i often do such things. i wonder how people can be happy 24/7 when i find it so hard to even keep myself entertained. life is not a bed of red roses. i'm so prone to accidents and embarrassing acts. i trip, i fall, and the next time i fall again, i dont think i'll ever want to get up. i think i'm slowly losing faith, and i don't think i'll get promoted. i want to change the current situation, but it's just so tough. but i will attempt it next year, come what may. dear god, please help me be happy by sending cute and nice people around me, to lift the spirits up for me. Signed, 3:47 p.m.
i didnt know the blood vessel in my burst until i saw it for myself, like after going out and looking at things using my lazy eye. bryan asked why was my eye red, and i thought it was the normal bloodshot eye, but no. it was like a tear in the eyeball. that vessel burst made my legs wobble after i saw it. it totally freak me out and i thought i was going blind. like, oh my god, that red line totally scared me. i thought it came cos i drank the previous night during the wedding. oh what the hell. just when i thought i was going blind, nobody actually cared. it was as if i was there for nothing. my eyeball is about to tear and i have to face all the shoutings and no concern from you. why should i even be tearing for the sake of you? if you want respect, earn it yourself. i'm so pissed, but i dont want to aggrevate my eye condition further. okay, whatever. anyways, i'm not going to get promoted. just let me fail, alright? happy bday, auntie aaron! happy bday, yee chian! happy bday, sherlyn! :D Signed, 8:55 p.m.
it's finally over, but it's not something to be happy or proud of. i cannot wait to know the results, regardless of what it may be. i think the real fun comes after exams. there's a wedding to attend on tues! how fun. but.. the fun doesn't come from going for the wedding, but going shopping for the wedding. and i'm allowed to spend. heh. so yes, four courage o-five next outing! either on sat or sun and i hope turn out will be good! :D i'm looking forward to it :D ah well. Signed, 11:04 p.m.
i wish i don't have to think so much, and do the best that my memory holds for me. everytime i have to rack my brain, something is bound to happen, like headache, gastric, blablah. xuan just made my day :D but the card was pretty short though, and the note! haha. how demanding :p i cannot wait for either 14th, 15th or any other day when we're going to have class gathering again! it'll just be fun filled, i hope, and probably there's so much to talk about since we haven't met up for months since march? i hope we can finish whatever we wanna make for miss heng on time for her bday. it'll be so sweet and nice. i wouldn't want her to leave, but if she's tired from all the work, then it'll be good to let her go. after all, according to jo, it was eighteen years of principle-ing and ten years of teaching. it's such a long period of time that hanging on for so long is already the greatest gift she can give to us. i hope she'll be happy forever. i think there is this empty vacuum. home alone makes me think of many things, but studies. alright, maybe a little, like what i should do if i get myself retained in j1. but more importantly, i'm thinking of dinner because there's no food at home and they've all gone out for ginseng feast, again. some random ginseng feast, it wasn't exactly that nice, and terribly bitter but oh well. i'm hungry now. this is gonna trigger my huge appetite again if i can't fill up my stomach. once again, the stress is building up. oh boy, help. oh btw, happy children's day to all children and i know i'm indirectly wishing myself too! ah ha :D (tues- chem and econs. thurs- math fri- physics) Signed, 10:07 p.m.
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weirui. eighteen to be. diaryland misc. 06; march. april. may. june. july. august. september. october. november. december. 07; january. february. march. april. may. june. july. august. |